It happened again last night.
I came face to face with the reality of hard work that comes with a life of ministry. And I have to ask myself again and again, do I really want to work with the church? I quickly reworded my question to myself…is God really asking me to work with the church? Because if it were up to me and what I want to do, I’m not so sure I’d go down that road. But if God is asking me to…how can I say no? Instead, I squirm and wiggle and complain a little until I finally give in.
I’ve always had this love/hate relationship with church. When I was a working for a missions organization in Georgia, I didn’t go to church. I wrote a blog about it and it ended being my most viewed blog on this site. I still struggle with a lot of the same issues. And often I want to dust my hands off and be done with institutional church. But I still want to share life with people; I still want to break bread and give thanks and worship God together; I still want to study the Bible and learn from one another.
I’m realizing that ministry isn’t only hard because people’s lives are messy and we all have to navigate through this life of brokenness. It’s hard because we also have to come up against materialism, consumerism, biblical illiteracy, self-gratification, sexism, racism, greed, nationalism, and so on. These things don’t only exist in the people attending church, they exist in people leading the church as well.
This is when I start to think a 9 to 5 job sounds really nice. Let me punch in my time and stay away from all this drama.
But if my life is an offering to God, should I not make every effort to bring him the most glory? And what I’ve realized this week is that it doesn’t bring God glory for me to avoid the hard stuff and bypass what he’s asking me to do. It doesn’t bring God glory for me to short-change myself and sit back in passivity. I want to be faithful with what I’ve been given and not bury it in the ground.
This is my journey. I’m graduating from seminary in June and I’m not entirely sure where I’ll go or what I’ll do. Whatever it is, in the church or outside of it, may it reflect the beauty and glory of the one who rescued me from death and gave me this beautiful life.