I feel like I am finally coming (somewhat) to an understanding of intimacy with God.
But when I think about that kind of intimacy with another person, I get uneasy, unsure and apprehensive. Most of the time, I appear quite confident that I am just ready to meet my husband and be married. And it is true that I want this. And it is true that I want it sooner rather than later.
But I can’t even begin to think about all the fears that surface as that approaches.
…being completely exposed and bare before someone, not knowing what they’re thinking. all of the sudden all of the confidence I finally learned to walk in disappears and I have nothing to prove…no possible way to control or manipulate the situation, making myself appear the way I want to be seen. but just me. the good and the bad. and all of the possibility to be rejected, unloved, unwanted.
it’s like standing before the judgement seat of Christ, when everything is brought to the light and nothing is hidden.
For the first time in my life I think I am beginning to see intimacy with man from the perspective of my intimacy with God. Whereas, most of my adult life it has been the other way around. I’ve always imagined and fantasized about what my husband will be like one day…and then used that lens to view God intimately.
But what if God intended for me to learn about intimacy from him, and not from all of the fears, insecurities, expectations that are fruit of failed human intimacy in my past?
What if I’ve always had it backwards? And what if I have been searching in all the wrong places for love and acceptance?
one more time, i’m seeing more clearly…everything flows from being intimate with Jesus.
“And in that day, declares the Lord, you will call me ‘My Husband,’ and no longer will you call me ‘My Baal.’ For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, and they shall be remembered by name no more. And I will make for them a covenant on that day with the beasts of the field, the birds of the heavens, and the creeping things of the ground. And I will abolish the bow, the sword, and war from the land, and I will make you lie down in safety. And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord.”