I should write a blog…

I find myself saying this a lot lately.  I should also update people with my life.  I should process all that has been happening.  I should figure out how to express all that I am feeling.

All of these things, I should do.  But somehow I keep avoiding them.

Everyday is a surprise as to which emotion I will feel and as to what I will think about my life and my future.  But I’ve learned not to trust my emotions.  I’ve learned to not put too much weight into my feelings.

Some people might say, that makes me a Thinker.  And while I am very black/white and I prefer definition to ambiguity, it’s definitely not natural for me to use my brain over my feelings.  It’s also not natural for me to not be tossed around by the waves of life.  But I have learned and am learning.

Wisdom and maturity is learned behavior.  It doesn’t happen overnight.  But we make mistakes and we do it right sometimes, and we learn.

Years down the road, I hope to look back on this season of my life with The World Race with pleasure.  I hope to have sweet memories of gained insights, significant failures and victories, and deep friendships.

I hope to gain all that I can in this season, whatever the circumstance and whatever the emotion.  May I embrace it all for the sake of what I can learn.  And for the sake of maturity and character.

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Five Places At Once

I came home from Cambodia today…it was an exhausting, fulfilling, life-giving, encouraging, and humbling time all wrapped up in 10 days.

The Lord woke me up one morning to watch the sunrise in Siem Reap.  I love how sweet his presence is when everything is still quiet.  I couldn’t help but cry as I thought of how faithful my God is and how good his promises are.

Below are some pictures from my time in Cambodia.  I spent about a week in Siem Reap, debriefing and teaching a World Race squad.

While I was there, I got to spend time with a good friend of mine who lives there.  She took me to  a children’s home where she helps young Khmer girls make jewelry to pay for their school.  I bought a necklace that was made by Srei Mom, she is 13 years old and has the best childlike spirit!

 

Then I traveled about 8 hours south to the capital city of Phnom Penh with one of the squad leaders and my co-‘Squadinators’ (it’s what we like to call ourselves…much easier than Squad Coordinator).  It rained every single day in the afternoon, to the point where the streets were flooded.  But it brought a temporary relief from the scorching heat of the day.

We ate good food, rested, shopped at the markets, rode bikes through the city, and went to New Life Christian Fellowship-a church I worked with over 2 years ago.

And I was able to see a friend from my last visit, which made for a perfect ending to my trip.

SO, I got back to my apartment around 3pm.  I then made the mistake of crashing for about 5 hours only making it impossible for me to sleep RIGHT NOW (all night)…

I have done many things while trying to fall asleep…I’ve gone pee several times, made some Bedtime tea, drank it while reading my Bible, made to-do lists, went on facebook, read blogs and commented…

and when I lay my head on the pillow, my mind doesn’t turn off.  The only thing left to do is write. So you can thank Jet Lag for this post.

MY WHOLE POINT to this blog was going to be about how I wish that I could be in 5 places at one time.  Georgia, Cambodia, San Francisco, Arizona, Honduras…I will take them all, please.

I want to be in Georgia because I love my job and my community.  I also love being obedient, and Georgia is where God wants me to be for now.  And you can probably see from my time in Cambodia, that I love it there, so why not?!

I want to be in San Francisco because of this amazing lady…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

beautiful Lindsay Nelson.

And I want to be in Arizona for many reasons, but especially because of this cutie…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

my obsession, also known as my niece Taryn Kate

And then the reason a big part of my heart is still in Honduras is because of this guy…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cristofer, now 17 years old and living back on the streets.

It’s hard only being able to be in one place…to really settle somewhere, when there are so many people I love in places that are not close at all.  I’m thankful that one day, for all of eternity, we will be together…and then 50 or so years apart won’t seem so bad.

If anyone discovers a way to be in several places at once, please remember me and share!

Now that I did not get ONE hour of sleep last night, at least one more blog is posted.

You’re welcome.

intimate

I feel like I am finally coming (somewhat) to an understanding of intimacy with God.

But when I think about that kind of intimacy with another person, I get uneasy, unsure and apprehensive.  Most of the time, I appear quite confident that I am just ready to meet my husband and be married.  And it is true that I want this.  And it is true that I want it sooner rather than later.

But I can’t even begin to think about all the fears that surface as that approaches.

…being completely exposed and bare before someone, not knowing what they’re thinking.  all of the sudden all of the confidence I finally learned to walk in disappears and I have nothing to prove…no possible way to control or manipulate the situation, making myself appear the way I want to be seen. but just me.  the good and the bad.  and all of the possibility to be rejected, unloved, unwanted.

it’s like standing before the judgement seat of Christ, when everything is brought to the light and nothing is hidden.

For the first time in my life I think I am beginning to see intimacy with man from the perspective of my intimacy with God.  Whereas, most of my adult life it has been the other way around.  I’ve always imagined and fantasized about what my husband will be like one day…and then used that lens to view God intimately.

But what if God intended for me to learn about intimacy from him, and not from all of the fears, insecurities, expectations that are fruit of failed human intimacy in my past?

What if I’ve always had it backwards?  And what if I have been searching in all the wrong places for love and acceptance?

one more time, i’m seeing more clearly…everything flows from being intimate with Jesus.

 “And in that day, declares the Lord, you will call me ‘My Husband,’ and no longer will you call me ‘My Baal.’  For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, and they shall be remembered by name no more. And I will make for them a covenant on that day with the beasts of the field, the birds of the heavens, and the creeping things of the ground. And I will abolish the bow, the sword, and war from the land, and I will make you lie down in safety. And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord.”

Hosea 2:16-20